10 signs you are Boba Fett

first_imgBeing unsure of your true identity is a trope in the Star Wars series. Young Anakin Skywalker was given a lot of facts about how he came to be: that he was born of midichlorians, that he was prophesied to bring balance to the Force, that love was forbidden to him, etc.His son Luke and his twin sister Leia struggled with their true identities throughout their entire lives from what we know about the events preceding The Force Awakens (especially the Leia-centric novel Star Wars: Bloodline). Then there is Rey, who we know as a heroine and scavenger, but whose true identity has yet to be revealed to us.Are you struggling with your identity? I have some possibly good news for you. You see, one of the galaxy’s most fearsome bounty hunters is missing in action and – guess what? – you could be him. To help you discover the truth faster than Rey, here are ten signs that you might be Boba Fett.1. You can’t get a word inIn the original Star Wars trilogy, Boba Fett has a whopping four lines, and they are all in The Empire Strikes Back. Three of the four lines are spoken to Darth Vader, the last one is “Put Solo in the cargo hold.”The prequel trilogy finally gave Boba Fett some more lines, bringing the grand total of Boba Fett lines to eighteen. If you’re not talking up a storm in your day-to-day life, you’ve got one thing in common with Boba Fett right off the bat.2. When you look in the mirror, you look exactly like an aged version of your fatherWhen Boba Fett was finally unmasked in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, we learned that he wasn’t a biologically born person, but instead a perfect clone of Jango Fett (actor Temuera Morrison), his “father.”The rest of the Jango Fett clones had their aging process accelerated, but Boba Fett grew at a normal pace. Still, though, you’re a perfect clone of your father. Assuming the helmet and armor protects the body from any severe scarring or mangling, you’re just an old Jango unchained.3. When you look out over the ocean, you find yourself whispering: “Taun We”Taun We was the administrative aide to Lama Su, the Prime Minister of Kamino (a planet covered in water) in Attack of the Clones. Obi-Wan met with the Kaminoans to discuss who had ordered a clone army be made in the name of the Republic, and that’s where he discovered Jango and Boba.One of Boba’s lines is when he alerts his “father” that Taun We and Obi-Wan stopped by Jango’s living quarters. The line is delivered very nonchalantly, like Boba saw Taun We all the time. In that case, the endless ocean when a storm is brewing would remind you of Kamino and your unconscious mind will recall your old friend.4. You ride a unicycle or a SegwayThere’s something about being transported while your entire body is facing forward that you find oddly comforting. Like Boba Fett’s ship, the Slave-1, unicycles and Segways cannot be stored in the upright position (and you don’t like hover boards because you’re not twelve), but must be parked horizontally or otherwise secured.You don’t look as cool on a unicycle as Boba Fett does in Slave-1, but you know that traveling in the sitting position in a cockpit with limited forward vision is for fools.5. You used a jetpack once, but it was an accident and you crashedIf you have vague memories of being on a trip one time and having a jetpack strapped to your back when all of a sudden you were bumped from behind and the jetpack went off when you weren’t expecting it, then you went flying into a barge and got the jetpack to go off somehow, but then tumbled into a sandy oblivion and you’re not sure what happened after that, you might be Boba Fett. You also have a high tolerance for run on sentences.6. You don’t like Samuel L. Jackson movies, but you can’t put your finger on whyI don’t know what’s wrong with you, Samuel L. Jackson is a national treasure. From Pulp Fiction to that Tarzan movie that came out this year and bombed big time, Sam Jackson can turn in a variety of memorable performances that seem to please a lot of people. But something about him makes you really afraid that he’s going to cut off your father’s head with a purple lightsaber. And not even give you an autograph.7. You’re always going through the trashIn The Empire Strikes Back, Vader is hot on the trail of Han Solo, Leia, Chewie, and the Millennium Falcon when he dispatches the bounty hunters, including Boba Fett. The Falcon manages to escape Vader’s fleet by hiding attached to the hull of the Star Destroyer that was chasing them.When the Star Destroyer jettisons its trash, the Falcon floats away with it until they are out of scanning distance. While it fools the Imperials, it doesn’t fool Boba Fett who was also floating around in the trash, waiting to pursue the Falcon.8. You’re out of revives in Pokemon GoYou have to keep running away with your good Vaporeon because “He’s no good to me dead.” Why do you keep saying that and why does it roll off your tongue like it’s one of four things we remember you ever saying?9. You have a rocket sticking out of your backpack. but when people are alarmed, you confess you’ve never used itBoba Fett’s jetpack has what looks like a rocket sticking out of the top, but he never used the device during the original trilogy of films. It wasn’t until Attack of the Clones that we saw the missile shot off the jetpack, but it wasn’t even Boba Fett who got to do it, it was Jango Fett while he was fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi on Kamino.It isn’t even that great of a weapon tactically, but you know the true aesthetic purpose of having explosives attached to a jetpack. Don’t listen to what the fire marshal tells you.10. Your secret irrational fear is vagina dentataBefore George Lucas went back and “upgraded” the original Star Wars trilogy with new visual effects, the Sarlaac pit that ends up devouring Boba Fett after Han Solo whacks his jet pack (on accident, no less) did NOT have the beak-looking head it has in the current cut of Return of the Jedi. Instead, the pit looked like a giant brown anus with teeth and a few tentacles coming out of it.Vagina dentata is a folk tale in some cultures where vaginas have teeth and is perfectly Googleable if you need to know more than that. All you should know is that it would scare the crap out of Boba Fett, who may not have even gotten out of that Sarlaac pit.last_img

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